Go sell a house, wouldja?

Well, boys and girls, let's see what the emailman brought today. Hmm, here's one with a great question. Some hot-shot realtor from Denver asks, "Hey, slack-ass! How do you pull out a toilet without a huge water mess?

Well, good question, Miss SmartyPants, I am so glad you asked. It is actually quite simple, so don't leave your toddler in the bathroom unattended. Here is the entire process in 10 Easy Steps:

How to Remove a Toilet

Step 1. Turn the handle on the little tube going to the toilet tank. That's the water supply line.
Step 2. Flush the toilet once or twice to empty the tank as much as possible. There will probably still be lots of water in the actual toilet bowl.
Step 3. Argue with your spouse about the effect of pouring more water into the bowl. He obviously has never lived in a really crappy place during his sheltered life and has not needed to know you can flush a toilet just by dumping a bucket of water into it.
Step 4. Go get a big bucket and fill it with water in the kitchen despite the laughter coming from the bathroom.
Step 5. Pour the water into the toilet. It will flush out most of the water remaining in the toilet bowl, leaving a very minimal amount.
Step 6. Remove the bolt covers -they cover the bolts holding the toilet to the floor.
Step 7. Remove one or more bolts with a wrench.
Step 8. Go back to the hardware store and buy a little saw with a blade that will cut metal. Kobalt makes a nice one with 3 types of blades for metal, wood, or something else. The handle and the blade together are about the size of a wedding cake knife, and the blade is flexible so you can get into that narrow space between the toilet and the wall, slide the blade under the toilet and cut the bolt that is frozen.
Step 9. Have a few old towels handy now because there will be some water, but not too much.
Step 10. Lift the toilet up, breaking the wax seal, and take it out to the garage. It will look lovely out there.

You will have a little clean-up to do, but it is not bad. Get a stiff piece of cardboard and scrape away the wax seal. You will be able to see that the bolts actually are in little slots that would have let you lift, twist, and remove the toilet without actually needing to undo them all the way. And, as a bonus, you can see now how it all went together and that it might not be impossible to reinstall the new one yourself. But I will probably get a plumber to do it anyway.

And it is so lovely to come home at the end of a workday and see a toilet in the garage amid the rest of the clutter.